My first job out of college was working as an engineer with an environmental consulting firm. While on a trip to Puerto Rico for work, my manager told me we shouldn't be more than 90-95% ourselves at work.
Most of us, subconsciously, often grapple with how authentic we're willing and able to be. It can show up as holding back by not expressing our honest thoughts and feelings - people pleasing, getting stuck in a persona, imposter syndrome, and other ways.
There's an inherent fear for many of us in being authentic. "Should I let this person know what I really think, feel, or want??? What if they won't like me afterward?"
The reason most of us fear being authentic is because we don't want to lose connection or even possible connection. We want to be liked, to be accepted, to be supported, to be loved.
Most of us are willing to sacrifice being authentic in order to be connected, and we do this throughout our lives.
Our two fundamental needs starting at birth are authenticity and connection.
Authenticity is honestly expressing the self and being known. Connection is loving, supportive, and accepting relationships with others.
When we’re very young, we instinctually know that our existence depends on the support of the people around us. We need that connection.
So when our parents get mad, or shocking or confusing things happen to us, most of us decide to sacrifice our authenticity in order to maintain connection.
Many of us become good boys and girls, holding our real opinions and feelings back so we don’t hurt feelings, get people mad or disappointed, and lose the connection.
Others of us become intentionally rebellious or opinionated, hiding our vulnerabilities and insecurities behind an arrogance still built on a sense that we're inherently not enough just as we are.
Since most of us never learned how to be authentic and maintain healthy, loving connections with others, we continue grappling with our internal GPS that wants to be authentically expressed while being afraid of losing or damaging relationships that matter to us.
So many of us continue to be inauthentic - inwardly fearful, watchful, and insecure while outwardly fine and dandy.
(Ever notice how much energy it takes to manage being inauthentic? That inner dissonance, and the dissonance it creates in our relationships, has an energetic/emotional cost, and it can make our mind move in a frenzy.)
Others of us become intentionally outspoken or righteous, to battle that tendency to be dishonest, and we sacrifice connection and care that we’re actually still wanting.
Most of us have been making the choice between authenticity and connection our entire lives, and we've worked the muscle of selling out on our authenticity to maintain a mediocre, threadbare connection.
As little kids, we don’t have a choice: most of us chose to sacrifice authenticity in order to maintain connection.
As adults, however, we do have a choice.
But the choice is not limited authenticity OR connection. We can choose authenticity AND connection.
Choosing authenticity AND connection takes practice, intentionality, and courage.
Choosing authenticity AND connection honors our fundamental needs, it honors us, and it honors others.
Let’s be aware of the choice we’re making, and choose it more intentionally.
As we heal and integrate those scared and separate parts of ourselves, greater authenticity, connection, peace, and joy become possible. Healing and integration towards authenticity and authentic connection is the nature of my work.
Much Love. ❤️
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